اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ
I am a person who can easily shed tears. Just by watching advertisement about family or anything touching can make my eyes fill with tears. I was never away from home from primary to secondary school. But then when I was in my foundation year, that was the first time I have to live somewhere without my parents. Subang, but when I faced a difficult times, my parents or even siblings would come and visit me, to give me the strengths or even to brighten me up a bit.
In 2013, that was the first time, I was 14,787 km away from my family. If I ever feels homesick, only Skype or phone call would be the medium to lessen the feelings. Also, being far from home, I learnt something. I learnt to not let my parents or siblings knew if I had any trouble unless if it was unbearable. Even in Ames, I tend to keep it to myself until at one point, where I could no longer bear it, only then I will spill it to someone, usually, it's Ras.
I came home every summer, for almost three months. And I realized something. I could not tell everything that I feel inside to my family. Maybe that's what being away from home had taught me. Sometimes, it makes me feels frustrated. One more thing that I noticed, I don't really know how to maintain a relationship with a bunch of people. I'd rather stick with only a few people, that's why I grew really close with #thejirans. Being here, in Seremban, makes me feels a bit lonely. Feels like I'm the loneliest person in the world, okay maybe not. That was an exaggeration. So, that might be the reason why I am really close with my brother, Naem. We always went out for a date with only the two of us. We would go and watch movies, lunch date, shopping, well it depends.
When I received that phone call from kakak on Saturday morning. My heart dropped. I tried my very best to not cry but I did. He was admitted to the hospital. No wonder my family whatsapp group was no longer active for the last couple of weeks. Being far from home, whatsapp was the only medium I could use to keep in touch and to know what's going on with everyone in the family. He was admitted to the hospital twice actually but the second time was the longest, 24 days. I tried my best to be strong though, well at least on the outside.
Because of this, our plan for my parents and my brother to come to Ames for my graduation had to be cancelled. It's a lie if I say I did not feel sad. That's a lie. I do, but I can understand taking what's going on at that time into consideration. Sometimes, if I was alone, I would burst into tears all of a sudden. Even if I was on the bus at that time. On my graduation, I took pictures to send it to whatsapp family group, just to let them know what's going on. I took a picture with their picture on my phone, it was as if they were there with me. I had their picture on my graduation cap, that was to keep me strong. Seriously, it does help.
It was couple of weeks since the last time I skyped with my brother. On the night of May 6th, my brother facetime with me. At that time, I was at Hilton Coliseum attending Ras's Liberal Arts and Sciences College's graduation ceremony. I just did my Maghrib prayer when I received the video call.
Mom was there, a smile on her face appeared on my iphone screen. I smiled back at her. We had a simple conversation, and while we're doing that, I saw my brother, but only a glimpse of his face as he was out of the camera's view. It was as if he was hiding from me.
Then, mom asked, "Adik tak nak tengok Naem ke?" (You don't want to see Naem?). Of course I said no, instead I answered, "Mak yang tak halakan camera kat Naem." Only then I saw him. All skinny and he looked worried. With hospital's outfit which was green in color. He looked so different that I had to keep smiling or else I know, I know the fact that if I didn't do that, I will cry, for sure.
Suddenly he cried, he said he felt sorry for me that because of him, my parents could not attend my graduation. You have no idea how I felt. My heart sank. He wasn't supposed to say that, I am the one who have to say that. I felt sorry for not being able to help him when he needs me most. I am not there to help my parents, to lessen their burden. The moment he said that, All three of us (my mother, brother and myself) cried. At that point, I was no longer care nor sad about the cancellation of my parent's trip to Ames, really. All I care and know was, I wanted to get home, as soon as possible.
After the phone call, I hugged Hajar and cried myself out. Like really.
After a week in Ames, finally came the time I stepped out from the arrival gate 5 at Kuala Lumpur International Airport. I had my graduation gown and cap on. My eyes searched for those familiar faces and yes I spotted their location.
I kissed Abah's hand and hugged him. This smell, this familiar smells. His soothing hand touches my back, tapping my back as if he was saying, "It's okay." I hugged him for quite a long time. I cried, of course. Then I hugged Mom. She was crying, she kissed both my cheeks and forehead. 'I know, I miss you too', I said, in my mind. Only then I saw Naem. He was wearing a black/black blue shirt. He was definitely skinnier than me, from his appearance I know he's still not well. I hugged him, it felt different, the response was not as strong as before. It felt different. After couple of minutes, only then I let him loose.
"Kurusnya Naem...." then I cried once again. Abah hugged me and said, "Dah, dah dah.. Takpe takpe."
I felt relieved finally. I wanted to help lessen my mom's burden, at least by helping her doing house chores. That was what my plan was before I rode that plane from Des Moines. I can be a good listener if that can help lessening my parents' burden. I will do anything that I can, to help them before I got any job offers.
My hope is for my brother to be strong, and do not worry, as you have mak, abah, and all your siblings behind you. You have me, as well, don't forget that. I hope mak and abah to be strong as well, we can do this together. May Allah help us to go through this together.
Remember, لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
