اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ
This morning, I woke up with strange
feelings. The one that I have been ignore it for quite a long time. The
feelings that I deny for a long time, the one that I refused to tell other
people. Not that I don’t want them to know, I want them to know about it,
badly. But I just.. couldn’t describe it with words. I just can’t.
I have been trying to console myself that
I am strong enough to handle this. I have been forcing myself to not let tears
weaken me. I have been trying to act like I’m okay even though in reality, I’m
not. I placed a smile on my face but inside, I’m crying. I just feel like, no
one understands me. No one knows what I’m going through now.
The fact that within a few weeks from now,
I’m going to be away from my beloved ones is the reason why I’m not okay. The
fact that it is still cannot be confirm yet whether I can fly or not, the fact
that everyone surrounds me put a high hopes on my shoulders are the reason why
I’m not okay. The fact that I have to take care of people’s feelings surrounds
me but no one take care of mine.
The fact that (insyaAllah) when I’m at US,
I will no longer be able to go back home whenever I miss my family, or my mom’s
cooking. I will no longer be able to meet some people that I used to meet when
I’m not okay back in Malaysia.
I don’t know. I have been trying, so hard,
to make things better. I know, He will not test me more than I could bear. I
know, there must be something worth it for me at the end of the day, and I know
I have Him. Always, very near to me, and that’s the reason why I am still here,
fighting for the best.
Last but not least, I’m sorry for keeping
myself away from you (no matter who you are), but this is what I think is best
for me. Please pray for the best for me and insyaAllah, I’ll pray the same
thing for you. Only Allah knows how much I am thankful to you for praying for me
and be by my side for all this time.
Jazakallahu Khairan Kathira. May Allah
bless us and Ramadhan Kareem!
