اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ
Lately, I have been busy. Working extra hours by taking my coworker shifts. Volleyball practices, MCN practices and updates. I like it, it makes me forget about that one thing.
And through those busyness, I have been thinking, a lot actually. Questioning my own actions lately. I looked back on what kind of person I was, three to four years ago. While I was in Taylor's. While I was the person who still seeks for changes, good changes I mean. I'm not saying I am a bad person now (although maybe there's some part of me that revert back to my old self when I was in high school and I hate that) but..
There's only less than 3 months for me to be here, and I have been thinking. Just how much have I change? In a good way. And honestly, that's a hard question even for me to answer.
I am a play director now and I realized, I have changed to be someone who can't control my anger and I hate myself for doing that. Failed to control my anger. Failed to control my emotion. But still, I am still the same person who loves to smile. That is the one thing that have never changed from me (I hope that is a good thing. Tell me it is, please.) This change in me, well maybe dulu pun ada but I have never noticed it. If this is what I have become, tell me how on earth can I handle my own students when I become a teacher. Although this is actually such an insignificant concern but for me it's a big deal. Because I don't like the feelings of getting angry at someone. I don't like the feelings of knowing there's someone out there got hurt because of me.
And then, there's the comparison of myself and the women here in Ames. I mean, American women. What makes them different from me? Hijab, Long sleeves all the time, solat, faith, and my purpose in life. What else?
This one thing disturbed my mind lately, like seriously. When I played volleyball with them, in class, even when I am working with them. What makes me differs from them. It frustrates me how I am unable to find any reasons. Aside from the reason I said above. Maybe it sounds ridiculous but honestly, I myself can't write exactly what I felt inside. Even right now, there's thousands of wires in my mind, tangled with each other and I can't find the the tip or even the end of it.
All I want is a trip to somewhere. Me in the car at night. No conversations needed. I just want to let my eyes to rest by looking and observing the nights. Sometimes close when the lights of the car from the opposite way of the road directs at me. Listening to the songs from the radio or my playlists. Perhaps Photograph from Ed Sheeran. With Me Before You novel in my hand. Well, I don't necessarily need to read the book, I just want to hold it.
Okay, I should stop.
